Well I have finally gone and done it. I have for years thought of starting a blog but never really knew if anyone would want to read anything I would write. Over the course of the past year I have truly felt that God was calling me to do this among other things. I am not sure if I will have anything anyone will really want to read. It may turn out to be nothing more than the ramblings of an old lady but here goes anyway.
As I was thinking what to put as my first post, I went back into my journal and read my first entry of 2017.
When I think of 2016 my first instinct is to say good riddance! My heart was broken in so many ways this past year that there were times I wasn’t sure I could even handle it.
I was scared out of my mind when I thought I would lose my sister. I thought it would bond me and my sisters like never before when she survived. I guess I was wrong.
Then losing my Daddy in August ripped my heart out like never before. It hurt when I lost Mama but I guess something in me thought my Daddy would live forever. You lose so much more when you lose that second parent. You lose your glue that holds your family together and you have to decide if you are going to hang in as a family or if you just become separate families. It also hits you that the choice is not just yours to make.
Then there was the other side of 2016. I became a Grandmother and that shot me over the moon with Joy. I truly feel warmth in my heart when I think of that little man. It makes me happy just to think of him. I get downright giddy when I am going to see him. I have also loved Ed more when I see how he is with him. He shows a side to himself I’ve never seen. It’s also such a joy to see how good Ben and Jordan are as parents. I knew they would be good parents but they are great parents.
Then there is all this worry about Burr and his future. I will tell you that for me absolutely the hardest stage of parenting has been when my boys are/were in college. I know a lot of this stuff is “coming of age” stuff. But I truly worry about him daily. My only comfort is Ben made it to the other side pretty well in tact so that is what I am clinging to.
So what are my lessons learned?
Heartbreak that is so physical you feel like your heart is going to explode right out of your chest. Will I survive? At times I wasn’t sure, now I am. You think it will kill you, but I guess it’s true. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Suddenly petty stuff that used to hurt your feeling is nothing now.
Joy that is so so much more after experiencing real heartbreak. Joy is felt in every fiber of your being. Not just in your head and your heart. When Joy comes and you know it will, it’s sweeter than ever before.
Bring on 2017. Twenty sixteen didn’t kill me. It made me more determined to live.
Yes, this was part of my first entry in my journal in 2017. Little did I know when I wrote this that my heartbreak was not totally behind me. I guess it never really is. It’s called the circle of life. However, the words still ring true now. I am more determined to live! There is just another notch on the heartbreak side when I lost my sister on January 11. But I am still determined to live. It has made me even more intentional. I am much more intentional on looking for his Glory and the Beauty in his creation. I am also asking him to make me more creative. This may be one of the ways, with this blog. But also to use my pain. I believe that if we don’t use the pain we feel to help others then it is wasted pain. Please Lord don’t let this be a waste. I also have learned that I will end 2017 with a little pink in my life. Carson will have a baby sister sometime around early December. What I really want to say is “It’s never too late”. And so I will start, I will write, I will paint, I will pick flowers, I will take long walks, I will try to begin now learning a better art form of living. I will not let the devil continue to beat me up over the things I didn’t get right.